A painful past

What hurts you? I have quite a bit that has hurt me. When I was young, very young, under 3 years old, my father took his life in the home we lived in. He used a gun. I was there and don't know and may never know how much of it I saw or understood. As an adult I went to counseling for a while and was told I suffered from PTSD. The traumatic experiences that lead to this PTSD was from this, plus being sexually molested, neglected, abused, constantly minimized as to my self worth, and more. The therapist was confident there was other sexual abuse that I'm not able to recollect. I continually have that feeling too and who but can't put my substantiate it. She said my actions were that of one who was molested at a much younger age than the age I told her of the incidents I knew.

Living with the pain of my father taking his life, leaving me to survive in the hell of a life I was left in was difficult. Because he took his life I had to struggle for many years that I was never good enough for my own father to love. How could he leave me in such an awful environment? Why would he want to leave his only child? What about me wasn't good enough to live for and to love? Could he never envision me growing up, graduating, getting married, having kids?  Sadly those who suffer all the emotions that allows a person to opt for suicide don't think clearly and don't see forward. Sadly they don't see that committing suicide doesn't end the pain, rather it transfers the pain to those that loved that person. That pain transferred forward to me feeling insignificant to love.

My mother has whatever mental issues she has. She didn't work but maybe a year or so my whole childhood. She lived mostly on her bed and did nothing. My oldest brother and I had to do all the cooking and cleaning. My other brother didn't have to do as much because he has a developmental delay of some sorts. My mother was never nurturing or attentive. I was always made to feel like I was nothing more than a bother. As I said in my first post, I was often reminded I was a mistake and wasn't even supposed to be born.

I married young at 18. I had no concept of marriage, family, children etc. I got pregnant right way and had 3 kids in 3 years. I began to learn the hard way that I only escaped one problem to form another. I don't call my kids a mistake and I'll never regret them (love them to the moon and back), but certainly they didn't have the best options coming into a world with a broken set of parents. Over the years my brokenness would get worse. My self worth would continue to go down hill and in a very deep and dark way.

When I was a teen I wanted to die. I wanted to end my own life. I wrote poems as a teen and one day my mother found my notebook with very deep, dark poems about ending my life. Wouldn't you know there was no approaching me with love, care, or concern. Rather I was talked down to, told how stupid I was and what the hell was wrong with me? Really? What the hell was wrong with me? Do I need to spell any of it out or are we getting the idea here? She didn't seem to get the idea so I just sunk deeper into my darkness.

Through the years my heart was deep, dark, black, and decaying. Through all of this however, topically I was always cheerful, bubbly, happy, and always concerned for everyone else but me. If I put others first it always kept me from feeling how bad I really felt. As long as I made others happy I felt sort of complete. No one ever cared if I was okay or happy or not, or at least that was what I thought.  I was so used to being unwanted and unlovable, it never mattered if I was okay.

Skipping over some things (that I'll come back to with time) I ended up in a very religious church that didn't allow women to do or be much. Some of you will read this and get mad but it is what it is. During this time I became depressed and oppressed. So many women in this religious environment were equally oppressed. We didn't get to do anything, no cutting of the hair, make-up, wearing pants, work (unless you were single); you couldn't speak out, and so on. Think a modern day Amish religion (it's the only way I can explain it in a condensed version).  I married one of their so called ministers. I felt I was groomed, encouraged to become some preachers wife. Oh you'll be amazing they said. You'll do this, that and the other. You'll be a blessing. Coming from no value, and no self-esteem, I took a double scoop of okay, sure, sign me up. I'll be something and a somebody some day.  That only become another rock on the crap pile of depression.  I had to move to WA state to go to the bible school where my life was even more regulated. This so called minister of a husband turned out to be a real piece of work. He was far from what you'd consider a minister husband to be. This was yet another relationship where I'm going how in the hell did I ever get so low that I actually agreed to get married.  Not trying to find the negative in others but there was so much non-self value that anything was easy to accept, to go along with, to believe in.  The longer I stayed in this environment, the more oppression I began to experience.

I became so depressed that into my late 30's I didn't want to do anything but die. I often thought of ways to die. I often prayed if God cared anything about me, he'd finally just let me die and put me out of everyone's misery!  I would tell God I knew He hated me because he wouldn't let me die. My depression was so bad it was all I could do to get up, go to work, and come home. I'd go to my room and stay in there as much as I could. One of the hardest memories I have to face is me telling my boys I just want to die. I remember screaming, sobbing in front of them, telling them I wish I were dead. I wish I would have never been born. I wish I could just die. My heart will forever ache knowing they had to hear me say such awful things and had to see me in such an awful way. The only 4 things that ever kept me from ending my life is: (1-3) my 3 boys, and #4 was knowing the pain I would end would be transferred over to them to have to deal with for life. Today I thank God I never took my life and that He didn't let me die.

With all this pain (and I haven't even begun to go through it all) I had to find a place of forgiveness of myself and all those who have hurt me. I had to find I was worth being loved and I was worth fighting for. No matter what your struggle is, whether it's self worth, addiction, weight, insecurities, no matter what it is, you need to focus on the fact you are worth so much more than any problem you are going through will lie to you and tell you. You are worth the fight. Never give up on whatever journey you are on. Never give in. If you are depressed PLEASE get help. Don't allow suicide to be an option. It only carries the pain forward. I have a friend who just lost a loved one to suicide. If you need help please call the suicide hot line. I am also willing to be there for you as well.  However my assistance would be minimal and I recommend a professional therapist. There is no shame in saying I NEED HELP. I wish someone would've helped me and told me that. Regardless I made it and I'm here. Please know it's okay to admit you need help. You are valued and you are worthy of love! Please take time to be gentle to yourself, remind yourself of this, and envision your new journey.

Much love and peace to you all.

Kat

A weight loss journey

I have had so many people ask; 'how have you done it? How have you lost the weight? What are you doing that's working for you?' And other similar questions. To be honest, I have lost weight so many times. I have lost hundreds upon hundreds of pounds. I have had many successful diets and weight loss attempts to only regain it all back and then some with each regain. This time however I was armed with two different helps. The first was a complete change in my life. I had to find the point where I was sick and tired of it all. I had to focus and make it a complete life change.

With help #1 I began with counting calories. I used one of those apps you can put on your phone. I was careful to log everything. I also drastically reduced carbs and sugars. I began a rule of nothing over 9 grams of sugar max per serving (and I usually made sure it was well under that.)  I also cut out as much greasy fried foods as possible. Because of both my weight and having severe osteoarthritis with zero cartilage/padding between my knee joints, walking was impossible. My life was so miserable I hated going anywhere. I'd get my boys to go to the store for me as often as possible because I didn't want to have to be one of those fat people on a cart. All the looks I got in public was awful. Children, innocent little children would stare, sometimes even ask why are you so fat. The parent would act embarrassed but really it was either a character they learned from the embarrassed parent or it was honestly an innocent, naive question. Regardless, it was always so painful to have to deal with.

So I'd watch what I ate and I'd walk a few extra steps anywhere I went. When I was at work I'd go a longer path to the restroom or kitchen. Many times I'd have to stop for a break but I'd go as far as I could.  With time and weight loss I could go a bit further each week.

Help #2 - I finally opted to have a sleeve gastrectomy which is a weight loss surgery. There are several different types of weight loss surgeries. Some are more drastic and cause mal-absorption. The  sleeve doesn't create as much of an absorption problem because nothing is re-routed or shortened. The only modification is the stomach has been reduced from a full stomach to a small pouch (the first part of the DS surgery which has one of the most absorption issues).  There are several factors that lead to the decision of me having the surgery but it is the type I had.  With that, I am very limited to how much I can eat. I made this decision so I could continue on my weight loss journey, go further, and fingers crossed, and with a continued work-out regimen, not ever regain any of the weight again.  I lost 90# prior to my surgery (and 87# since) for a total of 177# lost since July 2015 (10 months time).  It is possible!

It is a constant struggle even with the surgery. Successful weight loss requires a person to be prepared mentally. Whether you do it with or with out a surgery, your chance for success is minimized if your mind isn't prepared. You need a tool that works for you, whether you count calories, workout more than the calories you consume, reduce/remove all bad fats, carbs, sugars, etc., you MUST be prepared mentally. I can't stress that enough!

I hear so many people say I inspire and motivate. I have heard many say they wish they could do it. Each person can but again it takes the mind change and mind set. Don't discourage yourself because you're not ready yet. Keep pushing toward being ready. Keep telling yourself that you are worth it! Envision it. Begin to see yourself working on you, on your journey. My hope for you as you read this is that you will start to envision what your journey will look like. You'll need to continue to work on the pains that have oppressed you and begin working on seeing how you are worth it, how your journey will begin and how it will unfold. You can do it. You are worth it!

Much love and peace to all.

Kat

Hauntings from our past

No matter where we go, we always have a past. No matter how hard we work at forgetting our past, it is always there. For some, that past is harsh; it haunts, taunts, even tortures. We have got to move forward and not look back. Learn, glean, and take from the past what is necessary to improve.

I have known several people who had weight loss surgery and I heard them say that they still see their self as the fat person in the mirror.  Through my weight loss journey I wasn’t seeing that; until the other day. The past looked at me in the mirror and asked me where all my progress was. I actually felt heavier that day then I had in a long time.  I struggled through that day until I finally wrapped my head around what was going on. I put that past right where it belonged: IN THE PAST.  I held my head high and kept reminding myself of the all the work I had done and all the progress I had made even though for some reason I wasn’t seeing it right then. I didn’t give in and  you shouldn’t either.

Whether you are going through a journey of weight loss, of grief, sorrow, depression, anxiety, separation issues, loss, no matter what you’re going through, put your past where it belongs; IN THE PAST. Each day wake up, dress up and show up for the day. I have decided to bounce out of bed and look each day in the eye and be thankful for another chance to take my journey forward.

You will have struggles as do I. It’s what you do with them that matters. It’s not the size of the fight but the size of the fight in the person. I keep saying over and over you should be worth it too. I’m worth it. You’re worth it. Don’t let the fight take over you. You take over the fight.

There are some who wake up daily to face the grind (j-o-b). There are some who don’t work for whatever reason (and I’m not judging).  I’ve had my times and reasons for not working and just sit at home with nothing to do. If that is your struggle, I encourage you to get up every day, set your alarm, dress up, make yourself a daily schedule and do it. Staying home with nothing to do will only discourage and depress you. Find something to do that will keep you intrigued. Maybe you don't need to work but each person needs to feel needed and like they have a purpose. Give yourself a purpose if you don't feel you have one (and we all do but sometimes a purpose guiding light is dim and we need help searching for it).  No matter what you do, do it with purpose.

I’ve shared I have gone thru a lot. As a child I felt so unloved, unwanted, unwelcomed and faced every form of abuse. This all cultivated the feelings of worthlessness. I had no fight. Oppression and depression became my life. I allowed myself however to stay that victim. Many of us do and don’t even realize it. I didn’t realize it. I’ve been asked by several people what changed me; what motivated me to be able to change. In all honesty, I finally got tired of it all. I had to accept I was a victim not because of my past, but because of my past I continued to allow myself to be a victim. At some point in your life if you want change you have to stand up and fight. You have to say enough; I will no longer allow this to oppress me. I will no longer allow myself to lay here in the waller and pits of disparity. 

These feelings can come back to haunt you and the bad part is you may not even know what the trigger is to make them fester. It could be a good or bad event that triggers it. For me the other day, I was getting ready for a happy event when these feelings hit me.  It was a day I should've been overwhelmed with joy and happiness because of the day's plans. Instead I spent a large portion of my day focusing on how I felt and how I looked. I am thankful however I was able to overcome it.

Today I have a different situation I'm facing. Because of my past I sometimes feel inadequate still and even insecure. It affects relationships, friendships, and even your own mind. It's a struggle but I keep reminding myself those feelings are the past and need to go back there. Every time I think to myself well maybe this person didn't talk to me, or didn't answer the phone, or didn't reply right was because it's me. NO that isn't today, THAT IS THE PAST.  I'm sharing this because I know some can relate. Focus on today. Focus on your new journey. Send the past packing and don't entertain it. That is my current task . . . I am working daily on my weight loss, eating right (eating period sometimes) getting enough water in, exercising, and keeping the past where it belongs.

What is haunting you? The next time you feel something negative trying to tell you you're something your not, send it packing. But also try to figure what may have triggered it. Was it a good thing or bad thing that triggered it. Just because a good thing triggers a bad emotion doesn't mean that good thing is bad. It means there is a struggle associated with that good thing and you need to learn how to deal with it. I hope I have made enough sense to help someone who is going through a struggle. Hold on and hold your head high. You are worth it too!

Love and peace to all.

Kat

Yo-Yo: Sometimes up, sometimes down

Weight is an issue I’ve had to deal with most of my life. While I wasn’t largely chubby growing up, I did battle some chub. I wasn’t the normal sized kid as I usually had a little extra. I wasn’t the “Biggest kid” either, but there was enough of an issue that often times me, already a beaten down child, felt even more insecure because I wasn’t “Normal”.  It wasn’t until my 20’s that I began to put on weight. Then in my 30’s I parachuted.

Through the years I would try diet after diet. I lost pound after pound only to regain and gain extra. One thing most doctors will tell you is if you lose weight and don’t stick with it, it will come back with extra baggage. Every time I lost 15 pounds I’d put back on 20. When I lost 50 pounds I’d put back on 60. It’s like that saying, ‘misery loves company’. So let’s call the ol’ bitch (WEIGHT) misery. Misery loves to have more misery (more weight). Why be 10 pounds overweight if you can be 20, right?

I tried various diets; Atkins, South Beach, Phen-phen (I think one is spelled different) and I only did the Phen diet for a short time because right after I started the FDA yanked it (Thank God!). I’ve tried Herbalife, counting calories, no sugar diet, and on and on. I have dieted because I felt I had to. I’ve dieted even while determined. But the one thing I finally found, until I found the root of what was going on, until I found peace within myself and healing, until I found I WAS WORTH IT – PLUS – the determination; nothing stuck.

I recently made a new friend. I told her why I was eating and drinking the way I was (she inquired why I didn’t eat and drink at the same time). I told her I had lost over 100 pounds and that I also had a Sleeve Gastrectomy surgery. For both trying to eat healthy and any weight loss surgery, there is a rule of thumb; do not drink just before, during or immediately after you eat. When you do so, it makes the food mush down and move through your system much more quickly. This means it dumps out of the tummy and into the intestinal track quicker leaving you more room in your stomach to fill back up. So back to meeting this new friend, she also shared she’d recently lost 60 pounds. She shared her diet was a divorce diet. She had realized after several years of being in a relationship that things had gone awry and now she’s happy. Now she is able to focus on her and lose the excess weight she had gained over the years.

So as we continue on this journey, today I hope you’ll take a look along the paths you’ve crossed in your life. Ponder what the things that have hurt you are. What are the things that could possibly be holding you back? Where do you need help and healing?  Is there someone you trust that you can share with? Begin to dig around and find the roots that need to be uprooted. One thing I can promise you: This process won’t be easy, but it will come with great reward in the end.  We have to rip the bandage off but under it should be a new layer of skin from the healing the Band-Aid helped provide. If you find it too painful, find someone to share with, a counselor, a close friend, family member, pastor, someone. Just make sure it is someone you can trust.   And if it’s still too much, stop, take a deep breath, put it on the shelf and try it again tomorrow. Let’s face those things that are holding us back. Never forget the reason is you too are worth it!

 I will continue this journey with my story and words I hope to help you find a new direction for your journey. Whether you’re looking for closure to past wounds, weight loss, or both, I truly hope to help and inspire anyone who needs it.

 May your days be gentle and filled with peace, love, and joy!

 Kat

Warm blanket reception

One thing that I heard growing up was how I wasn't planned; I wasn't supposed to happen; how I was a mistake.  An infant never asks to be born but a grown ups life is created by the reception they receive when they are born.

Years ago I heard someone explain a child's life is formed by what she referred to as "The Warm Blanket Reception". A child who comes into the world to parents who love, cherish, and actually invest in their child's life has a much better chance at success.  This is what is known as a warm blanket reception.

Unfortunately so many children come into this world unwanted, unloved, unplanned such as me. Odds are worse for a child when they are born to parents who don't care for or about that child. This particular child becomes a burden to the parents who danced the dance to bring that child into the world. This child would have to fight for any positive out come.

Many times the child not born into the warm blanket reception doesn't even know why they have such a struggle in life. Many times they never learn that they are victim to a viscous cycle. Their parents had unplanned children and just met life's status quot, then they do the same, their children do the same, etc.  Very few people really stop to find out why is their such pain and misery in the cycle of their life.

Being unwanted or even rejected from infancy strips one's value. It can be the start of failure for this child's life. The average miserable grown up doesn't stop to think where from my birth did I have gaps? Let's go find them, mend them, and move forward. They just accept I'm unlovable, I'm unworthy, I'm not good enough, I'll never amount to anything.

I was that person who felt unworthy, unlovable and unable to ever care about me. I would cry, even be bitter, angry, furious that so many people around me 'deserved' to be happy and I didn't. I even would get angry at God.  Many times in my life I can recall getting mad at God and asking him why in the hell did he allow me, a mistake to be born? I had convinced myself that God allowed me to be born only to let all of the heavens and earth see that he could make a mistake if he wanted to.

I have since found healing and realize that all couldn't be further from the truth. As I continue to unfold my life and my journey, I hope you take away something from this post. Take away knowing no matter how you were received as a child, YOU ARE WORTHY of all love, joy, happiness, and whatever your heart desires.

As I continue with my journey and this blog, I hope that you'll be able to find how I have been able to do a complete 180 degree turn from my past, my pains, even my demons and I've been able to be strong, find happiness (true happiness) and how I've been able to start valuing me. As my first post reflects I've even begun an amazing weight loss transformation. I'm determined to finish this journey and to remain on the right side of my journey.  When you finally find the true inner peace, the true point to say I'm ready to invest in me, to believe in yourself (even if you have to do it alone such as I have) when you find this, nothing can stop you! When you make an absolute about face, you keep marching in that direction.

Today, as you read this, my hope is you'll look deep inside at your pains and serve them an eviction notice! They don't need to live there any more.  Clean house and stand your ground! You might not know how you're going to fill them with self worth and self value, but continue to follow me and let's find them together. Today just kick ass on your past pains. Let you know that YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Soon we will focus on finding your joy and happiness. Today forgive the past and release those pains. Be gentle to yourself and say it's ok. We will work thru it all one day, one step at a time.

Much love and peace to you all.

Kat

YOU SHOULD BE WORTH IT TOO!!!

Welcome to my journey. With this blog I endeavor to capture my life’s story in hopes to inspire others. I have a story. I have quite a story. My story starts from birth, a child neglected, abused, unwanted. A story of pain, a story of obesity, a story of depression, oppression, and even a story of shutting down and just trying to die.

I’m writing this blog to capture words, thoughts, memories, moments not only to inspire through the blog, but to eventually put into a book as well. I will journal thru this blog some daily events and I will also add moments from my past. I hope by doing so, by being vulnerable enough to put my life out there, to be able to inspire others; to be able to help others see that they are worth it; To help others be able to realize the fight is worth it; to help others realize they are not alone.

As I write this blog I’ve lost almost 170 lbs to date. I still have a ways to go but the very first hard point of being vulnerable, I will admit through all my shame, through all my fears that my starting weight through this all was almost 500 lbs. My highest most miserable weight, my darkest most sorrow filled time in my life peaked at 498 lbs.

One thing in my life I have always dealt with was the pain of always smiling to everyone’s face and no one knowing the tears that flowed inside. I always had to love others and give my all to others, for others, but no one knew my real demons. No one knew my real pain. No one read thru my eyes what was really going on. Sometimes I was angry. Sometimes I hated people because of this. But really I couldn’t blame anyone but me. If you don’t share, how can anyone know?

I hope as I write this blog to unfold everything, to be vulnerable enough so that others can find any piece of my life, my journey to help them.

Through it all, I have turned in a 180 degree difference of who I used to be. My journey has healing, weight loss, mind change, mind set, joy, peace, happiness, confidence, strength, determination and more. YOU TOO can find all these. YOU TOO should be worth it! In fact, YOU ARE WORTH IT TOO. I hope through my journey and sharing, you find how you are worth it as well.

I look forward to sharing though it will have times that will be humiliating and difficult to share (as I already did today). If you want to gossip about my pains, my vulnerabilities, it’s ok that is your problem and it won’t hurt me. I want to help those who want to be helped. And that will be a key thing. Nothing I say or anyone says or does can help you find hope, help, healing or weight loss until you are ready for that change. I hope to help encourage and help you find that change.

Please feel free to comment messages if you have questions. I endeavor to blog often.

Much love and peace be with you all.

Kat

My journey from July 2015 - April 30, 2016